There is a sorrow that transcends time and place, it comes from every direction and pierces you from every angle, moves through you into the earth and back out again, breaking back open the wounds that had barely just healed. It sits then in its non-place inside you, for a while, before making itself known to the world through words you don’t mean to say, tones you don’t mean to use, messages you don’t mean to send, through the movements of your body, the micro expressions of your face. This sorrow will not be caught or categorized. It is not solid enough to see as a thing, but it is too dense to see through. It has no defining lines but defines everything you touch. I have met myself outside of this sorrow, and what I saw was good–a whole being, formed and certain, with qualities I could name, and which I liked, loved even, and so desperately wanted to bring back with me to battle the dark place.
Seeking Sanity
I have struggled with varying degrees of depression, anxiety and panic disorder throughout my life. I have ridden emotional rollercoasters so intense I was sure they’d do me in. And yet few people know this about me. I didn’t grow up at a time when people talked about these things openly; in fact, any indication that you weren’t 100% upstairs was sure to elicit some pretty negative—and often detrimental reactions. The going theory–as I understood it–was simple: you were either sane or crazy.
Sane meant you were in control of your thoughts, emotions, and behavior; crazy meant you weren’t (and thus belonged in a mental institution). Period. As explained to me by various people without a clue: depression came from a weak-will; anxiety from sheer wimpyness; and panic from some combination hypersensitivity and hysteria. So, the message was clear: my suffering was due not to (what we now know is) faulty wiring in my brain, but to significant character defects. The solution? Buck up and keep my suffering to myself. A mighty tall (and unhealthy!) order.
The Stinging Stigma
The term mental illness is a tricky one. It can mean anything from depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and is inclusive of all degrees of severity—from a chronic malaise to outright debilitation. Without fail however, it conjures the image of someone who can’t hold it together, is ever at risk of losing control, potentially dangerous at worst, simply unreliable at best, but ultimately someone you don’t want in your life. However much valuable information has been made available to us, the stigma remains, and it ain’t pretty!
The Truth
But here’s the reality: According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, an estimated 1 in 5 adults experiences some form of mental illness in a given year, and 1 in 5 youth (13-18) will experience a severe mental disorder at some point during their young years. In fact, mental health issues are the third most common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for people 18–44. Which is to say that either we ourselves fall into this category and/or know a good many people who do. Yes, roughly 44 million people in this country go to work, care for their children, build relationships, and navigate daily life while trying to manage the effects of a malfunctioning brain. And chances are, we have no idea who these people are. To hear from some celebs who’ve chosen to share their stories check out: http://aplus.com/a/15-celebrities-standing-up-mental-illness-stigma
Tips for coping with whatever you may face this holiday season
A version of this article can be found in the Nov/Dec edition of Katonah Connect
While there are many things to love about the holiday season, from the bright lights and beautiful decorations to the all-around good cheer. But for some (heck, for most), this time of year can bring up a lot of 'stuff' and leave us a little emotionally drained. Perhaps you have a close-knit family, but you can’t make it home this year. Or maybe you don’t have anyone special to celebrate with or feel like you’re missing out on meaningful holiday celebrations. If you’re feeling down about the holidays, there are ways to manage your thoughts and feelings, and maybe even find something to be thankful for.
Don’t assume other people are having a stellar holiday experience
The holidays are a notoriously difficult time for many people, largely because of the assumptions that come along with them. “Many of my clients believe they are alone with their holiday challenges,” says Melinda Canno-Velez, LMSW, a therapist in Pound Ridge. “But people everywhere face issues with family, finances and unmet expectations this time of year.” Almost everyone has their own struggles during this time of year, and yours is simply one version of that struggle.
Keep your expectations in check by staying in the present before, during and after any holiday-related activities. The more you keep yourself in the present and focus on what you do enjoy, versus thinking about all the joy you should be feeling this holiday season, the better you can manage whatever experience you do have.
“Being in the present can prevent you from imagining unrealistic outcomes for future events,” explains Cynthia Haupt LCSW, PLLC, a therapist in Cross River. “Try to stay mindful of your thoughts and intentions throughout the day, and do things that create a positive impact in the moment.”
Anticipation of what’s to come can be overwhelming, but doing something productive (instead of ruminating on all the possible outcomes of the holidays) can help ease your mind. Consider starting that project you’ve wanted to tackle, setting aside time to learn a new skill or volunteering at your favorite charity.
Don’t wait until you’re in the midst of the holidays to figure out how to navigate them – start now. Determine what you’re going to do to keep your spirits up (or at least not too far down). For example, you can take a day trip to a nearby town or museum you’d like to visit, spend time in nature, volunteer at a local charity, schedule an extra therapy session or work on the aforementioned project.
Thanksgiving and Christmas come with lots of volunteer opportunities, and showing up for others – even if you feel like you can scarcely manage as it is – will be more than worth it. When you give yourself a concrete task, it pushes you up and out at a time when you may just want to lay in bed (which is almost guaranteed to make you feel worse).
This is also a great reminder that you have something valuable to offer, and that you are needed and appreciated – things you may not be feeling much of during this time.
“COVID-19 has greatly contributed to people’s holiday stress, in part because they can’t afford to celebrate like they have in past years,” explains Canno-Velez. “Many of my clients experience guilt because they cannot give their children the same experiences they’ve had in the past. So, I remind them that it’s the quality of their time together, as opposed to quantity of gifts, that kids will ultimately remember. Engaging your children in the act of giving back in some way can also help them focus on the spirit of the holiday.”
Be honest with yourself if you’re struggling. This may be a difficult time, but you’ve experienced challenges before and got through them, and were okay on the other side. Some calming techniques can help keep you clear-headed.
“The most important strategies for managing difficulties over the holidays are often the simplest,” says Haupt. “Remember to take deep breaths, pause, talk kindly to and about yourself, and allow moments of reflection. Moment to moment, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one breath at a time and reminding yourself, ‘I got this!’ and ‘I am ok!’”
And finally, remember that each holiday only lasts a couple of days. By reframing your thinking and reducing the importance of them, you can get through each one… even if you’re forced to wear that ugly Christmas sweater Aunt Edna bought you last year.
Mood Boosters
Below are some simple mood-enhancing tips for the holiday season or any time you need a little boost.
MORNING
As soon as you open your eyes, slowly inhale through your nose for five seconds, then slowly exhale through your mouth for four seconds. Repeat five times. (If you’re congested, inhaling through your mouth is fine).
Try to hold your thoughts at bay by focusing your attention on the sensations of the inhale and exhale – the air streaming in, the coolness or warmth, etc.
Make your first thought of the day an intentional and encouraging one.
Consider something like, “I’m going make the most of this day” or “Today is another chance to feel better.” You can choose anything that will help you be hopeful and proactive.
Splash your face with cold water to stimulate your Vagus nerve which will help to create a sense of calm. Do this at least five times. Learn more about why that’s a good thing HERE).
Be kind to your reflection!
When you see your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning, if anything unkind comes to mind, nip it in the bud by doing one of the following:
• take a deep breath
• refocus your attention on something else
• send yourself a more assuring self-message (i.e. "I am far more than a face or body")
Sun salutations are a series of fairly simple yoga poses that help expand the lungs, limber the spine and strengthen your arm and leg muscles – while also giving your whole body a great stretch. By combining movement and breath, your blood starts pumping and oxygen flows to your brain, which is both energizing and calming.
Even two sun salutations can make you feel as though you’ve done something good for yourself and help set a positive tone for the day. Check out this video to learn how. And if you're not up for yoga, you can try these simple stretches from the comfort of your bed.
DAYTIME
The most effective (and always accessible) tool to regulate our nervous system and create a more relaxed state is conscious breathing. When combined with physical touch, it can also help us feel grounded in our bodies.
To do the Infinity breath, imagine you’ll be drawing an infinity symbol on your hand; start with your finger at the middle point of the symbol, and take a slow (3-4 second) breath in as you make the first circle, and a slow exhale as you trace the second circle – so your out-breath will start as soon as your finger reaches the middle point again.
This one is extremely helpful when you feel yourself becoming despondent. Creating an anchor thought is done by visualizing yourself doing well in the near future. This image can be you in a place or with people you love, doing your favorite activity or simply looking and feeling well. Once you have created that image, stay with it until you feel like you can really believe in it.
As you start to feel what it’s like to be a happier, healthier future-you, reinforce that feeling by saying, “This is me”, “This is where I’m heading,” or a similar message that resonates for you. Whenever you feel yourself resisting a self-supporting action (exercising, socializing, eating well), you can use this anchor thought as a reminder of why you should do it.
It’s extremely hard to motivate ourselves to exercise when we’re in a compromised mental state, but the positive impact makes it well worth giving ourselves a serious push. Even just 20 jumping jacks, taking a walk, swimming, hiking or yoga will work – anything to get your body moving. Check out this post to learn more about why exercise is so important for our mental health and some helpful tips on how to work it into your daily routine.
Even if you don’t consider yourself a ‘nature-person,’ being amidst trees, watching the ocean, strolling through a park, being in any natural environs can give you a sense of ease like nothing else. It’s essentially a place free of ‘triggers’ (assuming, of course, you're not venturing through snake infested terrain). And there’s a good bit of research supporting nature as a stress reliever, energy and memory booster, as well as anxiety reducer. So try to give yourself the gift of some ‘green-time’ at least once a week.
And if nature’s not accessible, you can still get the benefits of fresh air, Vitamin D, sunlight and exercise from a 20-minute walk anywhere.
We often have bad news coming at us from every angle – conflict, disaster, terrorism, scandal and crises of every kind, so inject some positivity whenever possible. Check out these alternative news sources for a dose of good: Good News Network, YES Magazine, The Optimist Daily, Greater Good Magazine and Positive News. And if you’d prefer your news the good old-fashioned way, check out The Happy Newspaper.
EVENING
Reading a good book or listening to an audiobook can be supremely relaxing, or if you prefer TV, make it something humorous or otherwise uplifting.
Lavender, rose, geranium, jasmine, sandalwood are all known for their sleep-promoting, stress-relieving, pain-reducing and mood-regulating benefits. Our sense of smell is directly wired to the brain’s center of memory and emotion, which is why a familiar smell can instantly trigger a flood of emotions.
White noise is like a sound-blanket that covers other existing sounds (think whirring fan, wind in the trees, streams, waves); the consistent focused sound of white noise has a calming effect for many people. Pink and brown noise operate on the same premise but at lower frequencies (think thunder or a waterfall). Any of these can help you fall and stay asleep, and you'll find many options when you search “sleep sounds” apps.
Before sleep, take a few minutes to run through your head and/or write down in a journal anything that felt good during the day — a pleasant conversation, a moment of calm, a smile from a passerby, anything kind you’ve done for yourself or others. Large or small, everything counts. As you recall these positive moments, try to hold your attention on them for a moment until you get a full sense of their benefit.
Doing this exercise before bed can combat nightmares and ensure a good night’s sleep. This is also a great breathing technique for whenever you’re experiencing symptoms of stress or dysregulation during the day. You can do this sitting or lying down.
• Breathe slowly into your diaphragm on the count of four.
• Hold for a count of seven, keeping your body relaxed.
• Exhale for a count of eight.
• Repeat a minimum of 10 times, fewer repetitions are significantly less impactful.
If you feel your jaw getting tight as you do this, you can soften it by stretching out your tongue as far as it can go, then keep your teeth separated when you close your mouth.
Doing at least a few of these daily can help improve your mood at any time, and making them part of your daily routine will help keep you on an even keel.
Empowered Optimism-the only kind that really works
We hear a lot about the importance of keeping a positive attitude, aka, being optimistic. Like gratitude, it’s a term that gets thrown around as one of those absolute “must-do’s” if you’re going to “live your best life” and “shed the negative beliefs holding you back,” and so on. The question is, how? With all the many not-so-positive things most of are contending with on a daily basis, optimism is a tall order.
When I talk about optimism though, I am not talking about the happy-face-emoji version of it we so often see espoused as a mental health panacea, but rather, a grounded, clear-eyed optimism. This optimism doesn’t ask us to superimpose a blanket of feel-goodness over layers of unhappiness. It does not ask us to deny, avoid, or repress pain in favor of “positivity.”
No, this type of optimism asks us to acknowledge and validate our emotions and experiences, actively face our difficulties and challenges, take self-supporting action, and find as much empowering and motivating material from our own lives as we can throughout the process. It creates a sense of possibility based on a recognition both of what we’re capable of, and the actions needed to shift us a little closer to wellness.
This is what I call Empowered Optimism.
We often think of optimism as that sense that things can and will somehow get better. When you add ‘empowerment’ into the mix however, it becomes a sense that things can and will get better because of what you do to make that happen.
Getting Real is Good
Empowered Optimism doesn’t tell us we can do anything and be anything, because that’s a set up for disappointment and disillusionment. For instance, telling myself I will someday be totally depression and anxiety-proof is not helpful because it’s unrealistic. Instead, I want to give myself something that is both inspiring and attainable.
So while there is nothing in my history to suggest I have the mental health superpowers necessary to attain a forever-state of bliss, I know that even when I’m scraping bottom, I’ve got the tools to pull myself up.
How do I know this? Because I have the evidence. Even if I have no idea how I’m going to drag myself out of bed, and less than an ounce of faith that anything I do will make a difference, I consistently choose to help myself—whether that means reaching out to friends, exercising, journaling, picking up my guitar, reading an inspirational blog or book, listening to an uplifting song. And I won’t stop until I feel better.
Try This: Proof of Your Inner Strength
- Think of a day or moment, sometime over the past month, when you pushed through painful or difficult mental health symptoms to get yourself up and out into the world, fulfill obligations, or take care of yourself and/or others.
- In your mind’s eye, picture yourself on that day or in that moment. Remember the obstacles, and see yourself overcoming them, doing what you needed to do in spite of everything working against you
- What did it feel like to prevail in spite of those challenges? Was there a sense of empowerment? Pride? Reassurance? Whatever the feeling, let it sink in.
This is proof that you have the inner strength needed to take care of yourself!
Taking Action with Self-Care Goals
When struggling with our mental health, it can feel like we’re just being carried along by a stream of circumstance, watching life from the sidelines, or stuck in “wishing and wanting” mode. Putting small, manageable, self-care goals in place gives us a greater sense of control, purpose, and direction.
If you’re going through a rough time, a self-care goal can simply be getting out of bed, calling a friend, reading an uplifting book or blog, doing a random act of kindness. If you’re managing anxiety, you could have as a self-care goal, a twice-daily breathing practice or finding a good therapist, a support or meditation group. And if you’re anything like me, making your physical environment as peaceful and cozy as possible is huge, so I include self-care goals things like clearing out clutter or adding some cozifying element to my house (I do love Etsy for that!).
Every time we fulfill one of these goals, however small, we’re reminding ourselves that we have the ability to take care of ourselves, and this provides a good dose of motivation to keep at it!
This is empowered optimism in action.
We all need a little boost sometimes, a reminder that we’re on the right track. One of my favorite ways of giving myself that, is having what I call "a letter of appreciation" on hand that I can read and/or listen to when the need arises. This letter is a way of reminding yourself of all that you've accomplished and all you are able to accomplish.
The best time to write and/or record your letter is when you're in a positive state of mind. Simply finish these three sentences:
- I have overcome...
- I am proud that I’ve...
- I am still working on...
- I am...and I will..
You can do these in any order, or use other words for the same idea. Try to allow yourself to free-write without editing, then you can go back and edit as needed. However you answer these, try to end on an empowering note, giving yourself a nice verbal high five. This can be something you read to yourself, or you can make a recording of it–hearing the encouragement from yourself can be very powerful.
Below I've shared a version I wrote for myself. I hope some of it resonates for you.
“I am not past all my struggles, and that's okay. It wasn’t a smooth road to get here, but I've come a long way and am proud of how hard I've worked to get where I am now. I have so many more tools and resources than I ever have. While my pain may still knock me down sometimes, I now know it won’t sink me; I have learned how to get back up again. I no longer believe that the struggles I face will do me in.
I work daily to maintain a foundation of mental and emotional health through all the practices I've learned and integrated into my life. I am developing positive psychological filters, which will bring greater resilience, emotional fortitude and a whole host of other inner resources that will emerge over time. My intuition about what I need grows with my awareness and acceptance of my current experiences and I trust that there is good growing behind the scenes that I may not yet be able to see.
I know that sometimes it's easier to see the negative than the positive, and I may still need evidence of positive changes in my life, but I am committed to paying attention to the good, no matter how small, and celebrating my every accomplishment. I know that it takes time and that every little bit helps. I am a powerful work in progress, and every day I am closer to healing what I can, and more skillfully managing anything that cannot be fully healed. I trust that the result will be a life that feels truly, deeply good."
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